Beautifully Tragic
by oh-Bambi.xx
Summary: Admitting to your feelings , even to yourself is terribly hard . Especially when you have already devoted them to the lord x
1. Chapter 1

Moonlight shining through the open window the light breeze of the night caused the quiet rustling of leaves from the rose bush beneath the window sill.

Alone at the kitchen table a pair of bespectacled eyes glanced up at the moon.

Sitting solo in the starless sky the luminous orb made her wonder if anybody else was doing the same thing.

Resting her chin lightly in the palm of her hand a sigh left her lips, were they as confused as she was?

Looking away her percaline fingers lazily traced the delicate pattern of the table cloth.

The past weeks had made her question herself like never before, thoughts consuming her, questions that should never be pondered by a nun. Closing her eyes she silently prayed for guidance.

The other nuns had retired to their chambers hours ago, the nurses no doubt secretly sharing a bottle of gin down the corridor and upon opening her eyes Sister Bernadette was pleased that she was the one on call that night for goodness knows she wouldn't have been able to sleep.

As of late she had terrible trouble sleeping her mind wracked with guilt for her heart had been aching with feelings not entirely devoted to the lord .

A lone tear rolled down her cheek as they had many times before .

Quickly brushing it away she shook her head in frustration.

"Silly girl, pull yourself together "

Tapping her fingers on the edge of the table she allowed her eyes to roam the room only now noticing the stillness of the clock hands on the wall in front of her. Standing she squinted in the darkness opening the cupboard draws in pursuit of a pen, she would have to write a note for when Fred came in the morning .

Having no luck she was startled when the room was suddenly flooded with light.

"Sister Bernadette!"

She needn't turn to know he it was .

"I'm so sorry, I didn't realise you were in here "

She glanced at him quickly before diverting her gaze .

" That's quiet alright Doctor " she replied grabbing a pen .

Hearing his footsteps walk further into the room she tried her best to focus on the note , her normally neat handwriting in slight disarray as she felt his eyes on her .

" I do apologies if I frightened you . "

" Really doctor its fine , I'm .."

Looking up she was surprised at how close he had become an apologetic smile painting his features as he looked down at her.

" Fine " she replied smiling back .

" Couldn't sleep ? " he questioned raising an eyebrow .

Turning slightly she placed the pen back in the draw another sigh leaving her lips .

" Yes and no "

She watched as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I'm actually on call "she explained "although I doubt I would be sleeping very much if I wasn't "

" yes " he stated " despite the breeze it is terribly humid tonight "

Looking down at her feet she nodded in response " uh huh "

" come to think of it " she said suddenly looking up " why are you here ? "

The Doctor chuckled .

" you're not the only one on call tonight " he explained " timothy is sleeping at a friend's house , I thought I would be more useful here "

Sister Bernadette nodded in understanding .

" that's If you'll have me of course " he joked .

Smiling she responded with a giggle "well it seems I don't have much choice ".

His hand flying to his chest he gasped in mock horror " Sister Bernadette !"

He giggles grew to laughter at that only subsiding when her blue eyes met the brown of his .

" would you like some cake ? " she asked unable to look away .

" I'd love some "

" That's if Sister Monica-Joan hasn't eaten it all . She has quiet the weakness when it comes to cake "she said smiling gently.

" Well if not I'm sure we can manage on a packet of custard creams " he replied smiling back .

" that's if she hasn't eaten those too " she remarked walking past him .

With a chortle he watched her as she made her way around the kitchen eventually standing on a chair and pulling out a sewing box from the top shelf .

" ah hah " she exclaimed triumphantly smiling down at him " we have cake "

Climbing down from the chair she noticed he hadn't moved from the spot she left him .

" you can sit down you know " she smiled .

As If he had been deep in thought he shook his head muttering something inaudibly before sitting down .

she soon joined him , her face lighting up as she opened the lid.

" oh you're in for a treat " she grinned glancing up at him .

Carefully cutting a slice and placing it gently on a plate she handed it to him .

" mm almond sponge " he commented " my favourite "

A small gasp was her response as her eyes widened " mine too "

For a moment they simply smiled at each other content in the comfortable silence that had settled between them.

" This really is very good " he stated after a while .

" It really is , I wish that I could " the sound of his coughing stopped her midsentence, his hand curled into a fist as he taped his chest .

" Doctor turner , are you alright ? " she asked putting her fork down .

" yes , im .." another wave of coughs came over him the petite hand of Sister Bernadette instinctively clasping his own .

" fine " he concluded a second later both sets of eyes looked down at the hands lying on the tebale between them .

Slowly she felt his hand turn beneath hers, his fingers gently linking with her own .

The subconscious strokes of his thumb against her skin soothed her and as she looked up at him terribly afraid he could hear her fast beating heart.

" Im sorry Sister " she heard him say quietly " my actions yesterday ..they were completely inappropriate."

"It was wrong of me to kiss you like that .. I feel I must apologies "

As she listened her head tilted ..observing the way his nose crinkled as he figured out his next words.

" you have taken vows I should have respected that , I do respect that ..and ..and you . A great deal . I shouldn't have let my .."

He paused then , his focusing returning to their hands .

" my feelings ...get carried away "

Her breath hitched in her throat .

" Sister Bernadette" he breathed " forgive me"

When his gaze met her once again she felt her heart melt and she couldn't help but squeeze his hand reassuringly .

" I .."

" am a nun " he uttered letting go .

Instantly she mourned the loss of contact , longing to reach out to him as he stood running a frustrated hand through his hair .

"You may be a nun Sister "he said quietly as his face softened "but …you are also a most extraordinary woman "

Eyes beginning to brim with tears she stood as he slumped dejectedly against the sink.

"And you "she sniffed walking towards him "are the most wonderful man "

Straightening up he admired her face tear stained her glasses misty, she was beautiful.

Gingerly he removed the frames wiping them delicately on his jumper.

"There "he whispered putting them back on, the pad of his thumb brushing away a stray tear.

"I didn't mean to upset you "the pad of his thumb brushing away a stray tear. "I would never want that "

Lovingly he locked his eyes with hers "You have become someone very special to me "

" and you to I " she responded meekly .

" Im sorry sister " he responded drawing his hand away " if I overstepped my boundaries I truly value our friendship I must let you know that .."

" no "

" no? "

" I'm not speaking of friendship doctor "

" Patrick " he corrected softly " and " he continued taking her hand timidly " neither was I "

In that moment she felt her heart soar filled with joy only to break like a firework when it hit the sky .

" I ..I .." she stuttered eyes clouding over " this ..this is wrong ..i'm a nun I shouldn't feel like .."

Tears overcame and she stepped back .

Her shoulders began to shake as she cried only slowly when she felt the slight roughness of his hand cup her cheek .

" sister "

" please , please don't call me that " she whispered " I ..I don't deserve to be called that "

" you deserve the world "

Closing her eyes she bit her lip .

" please …we ..we can't .. "

Her quiet sobs replaced words and she melted into him as he pulled her into his arms .

His own vision beginning to blur he held her tightly.

" I know "


	2. Chapter 2

Neither Knew how long they had stood there, minutes? Hour's maybe? All sense of time had been lost.

Tears had subsided and now silence lay between.

His chest the perfect pillow she listened to the steady drum of his heart, burying her face into the damp material of his lapel.

Chin resting upon her head they were like two pieces of a jigsaw.

Her heart fluttered when a comforting hand brushed her spine, sweet words of whispered reassurance leaving his lips as he drew her closer.

Willing herself not to cry she closed her eyes tightly, memorising the scent that was so distinctly him the warmth of his arms around her the way his touch gave her Goosebumps even through the thick material of her habit.

A shuddering breath wracked her body and she bit her lip.

"Shhh, its ok "

She wanted to ask him how, how was it going to be ok?

She had asked herself that question many times, prayed and hoped yet it still seemed impossible. No matter how much her heart ached it would never be right. her life , her love had be pledged to God she knew it was wrong but it felt so right to be in his arms to be held by him and it broke her heart that she would never be in them again .

Looking up she saw her own sadness reflected back and knew he shared her confusion, sorrow evident upon his handsome face.

Dark strands flopping messily across his forehead she resisted brushing them away and her lips turn upwards in a watery smile.

He smiled gently back at her and their eyes met in a look of longing.

The world around them became a blur as they gazed at each other a blush painting her cheeks causing his smile to widen.

The true depth of their emotion remained unspoken but in that moment it became so painfully clear and the bleakness of their reality returned as the telephone began to ring and everything came back into focus.

Diverting her gaze Sister Bernadette looked to the ground.

"I should get that "she uttered quietly.

"Yes "

Looking back up their eyes met once more and they knew they would have to let go and slowly they untangled their arms and stepped apart.

The sound of the telephone continued to ring as they stood staring at each other in silent understanding.

He watched her as she left the room scrubbing a hand down his face.

Dawn had now broken and the cheery song of the early bird floated mockingly through the window.

With a sigh he sank his hand into his trouser pocket pulling out a Henley and placing it mournfully to his lips.

The dim flame of the silver lighter inches from the cigarette he changed his mind quickly replacing them when he looked up to see Sister Bernadette stood breathlessly in the doorway.

Quickly he reached her side.

"What's the matter? "

"Nothing's the matter of sorts, Mrs Collins has gone into labour. I just looked over her notes and the baby is ..."

"Breach "he completed "I saw her only yesterday. Surely she isn't due yet? "

"Not for another week "she sighed "but it seems she is pretty far along, I don't know why somebody didn't call earlier "

"I'll come with you "

"Really Doctor I don't think that will be necessary "

"Please, you will need the gas and air anyway "

"Very well "

"I'll take you in the car, it will make more sense as were both going "

"I suppose "

Walking down the corridor he followed her down the stone steps of Nonnatus House, Jogging over to the car and opening the passenger door.

Thanking him softly when she slipped inside.

The journey was silent each of them consumed with thoughts of the other both pairs of eyes purposely focused in opposite directions.

It didn't take long to get there and it was only when they arrived that they allowed themselves to look at each other the smallest of smiles passing between them as she shifted towards the door.

"Wait, I'll get that "he exclaimed climbing from the car.

When he arrived at her window the she couldn't help but smile at his chivalry and thanked him as she stepped onto the pavement.

"Sister! "

Looking towards the voice and seeing the panic on the young man's face Sister Bernadette smiled gently.

"I'm coming Mr Collins "she assured "I'll see you in their doctor "

"I shan't be long "he said heading towards the boot.

With a nod she walked over to Mr Collins.

"I think something's wrong Sister "she confessed worriedly "She keeps screaming "

"That's because she's in labour dear "

-"deep breaths Mrs Collins "he instructed handing her the gas and air "don't worry Sister Bernadette will look after you "

Another contraction taking hold she moaned loudly putting the machine to her mouth.

"Nice and slowly Mrs Collins "

"Sister I don't think I can do it anymore "she wept.

"Of course you can Mary "she reassured softly "We'll do it together "

"Well done sister "he praised as they stepped into the street.

"Mrs Collins did all the hard work Doctor, I simply lent a hand "

"Its seems I wasn't needed after all "

"Oh nonsense "she smiled "I think Mrs Collins was very appreciative "

Coming to a stop her turned to look at her.

"You did impeccably well "

"I was just doing my job "she replied readjusted her glasses.

"You were quite remarkable "

"I wouldn't say that doctor "

"Well I am "

Shyly she smiled blushing for the second time that morning as he smiled back affectionately.

"We should get going "

They had fallen into comfortable conversation as they headed back a comment here and there filling the silence.

"I'll pop in again this evening "he informed her "make sure everything is going smoothly "

"Yes I think that would be a good idea, some new mothers do require a little help at first "

"And some fathers "

"Indeed, although they both seem smitten with him don't they "she smiled.

"It appears so "he said as he turned off the engine.

"Well with someone so beautiful it's hard not to fall in love with them "she grinned.

"Terribly "he replied seriously.

Her breath caught in her throat as he gingerly took her hand.

"Please don't "she pleading drawing back.

"Sister Plea..."

"I have to go "

"When will I ..."

"Goodbye Doctor"

Within seconds she was gone leaving him alone to watch her wistfully climb the stairs dark clouds rolling above their heads as heavens opened with the click of the closing door .

I Just wanted to thank you for your incredibly sweet feedback it really does mean the world to me x


	3. Chapter 3

Curtains had been drawn upon the setting skies of Poplar , the warm glow of the remaining sunlight casting elegant patterns across the wooden floors as she slowly made her way down the deserted corridor.

As she turned into the shadows the soft pad of her footprints echoed faintly.

"Sister Bernadette!"

Hearing her name the Scottish sister slowed her pace turning when the unmistakable click of Trixie's heels reached her ears.

"Shhh "she hushed as the blonde came into view a confused expression upon her face.

"The other sisters have gone to bed "she explained.

The nurse Bit her lip as realisation dawned.

"Oh sorry, me and my big mouth "

The nun chuckled "was there something you wanted?"

"Oh yes "she began, taking something from her pocket. " Do you know who this belongs to "

Squinting in the darkness Sister Bernadette adjusted her glasses.

"What is it?"

"A lighter "Trixie exclaimed holding It up "and a rather splendid one at that."

Unable to see clearly she curiously stepped closer extending her hand.

"May I? "

"Of course "Trixie responded handing it over.

"I'm rather hoping it remains a mystery "she grinned "it would go marvellously with my new broach"

Sister Bernadette giggled before glancing down.

After a few moments the nurse spoke.

"Well? "

"Well? "

"Do you know? "

As if awoken from a daydream the nun looked up a stuttered response leaving her lips as she gave the object back.

"Oh ...Oh yes "

Trixie let out a sigh throwing a hand to her hip melodramatically.

"Oh bother "she huffed, a golden curl flying upwards as she did.

Sister Bernadette Smiled.

"Who's is it? "

"Doctor Turner "the sister informed quietly.

"Doctor Turner? "

Sister Bernadette nodded.

Trixie laughed.

"Who knew he had such great taste "she commented "especially with that haircut of his "

"I think it has a certain charm to it "

Trixie smirked.

"Oh really? Doctor Turner and his luscious locks "

Sister Bernadette blushed

"I meant the lighter Nurse Franklin "

Smiling Trixie reached out patting her arm.

"I was only teasing "

"That's ok "

Turning her attention back to the lighter the nurse sighed.

"I'm going to have to give it back aren't I? "

"Yes "

"But "

"Yes Trixie "

"Fine, but could you do it? I don't think I could bare it "

Sister Bernadette rolled her eyes.

"I'm sure you will be fine, you will see him at clinic in the morning "

"Please Sister "The blonde pleaded placing it in her hand "I'd be far too distraught "

The nun laughed.

"Very well "

"Don't worry "Trixie grinned "I trust that you won't be going into the gardens for a sneaky Henley "

Sister Bernadette smiled as the young woman winked cheekily.

"No "

"Well if you do decide to become a rebel watch out for Sister Evangelina! "

The pair laughed quietly before a comfortable silence fell between them.

"Well I must dash "Trixie exclaimed "I'm meeting a chap "

Sister Bernadette grinned

"Oh how exciting, is he nice? "

"Very "she squeaked "he's taking me dancing "

"Oh how lovely!"

"I know, I doubt we will be the next Fred and Ginger but he's terribly handsome"

"Well I'm sure you will have a wonderful time "

"When I get there "the blonde remarked straightening her skirt.

"Well don't delay on my account "Sister Bernadette smiled "Go and have some fun "

"I intend to "Trixie grinned "toodle pip "

"See you tomorrow "

Watching Trixie trot happily from view Sister Bernadette smiled fondly.

The past year had seen a growing friendship develop with herself and the nurses, a bond that had slowly begun to blossom amongst delivering babies and cups of tea.

Perhaps it was because they were of similar age that they got along so well or perhaps it was that she secretly craved to be more like them.

Sighing she stepped back into the shadows walking quietly through the darkness until she reached the wooden door of her room.

With a creak she pushed it open a quiet click meeting her ears as it was closed to the outside world.

Glancing down at her hands she gently leant her head against its frame.

The lighter was almost weightless in her palm, its checked pattern intricate across the silver. The metal was cool and as she lazily brushed her thumb across its surface she concluded it was indeed quiet beautiful.

Her mind drifted to the many times she had watched him use it, noticed how skilfully he would ignite the flame whenever he was nervous or stressed.

When had she started noticing these things?

She noticed everything about him.

Standing straight she walked over to her bed the mattress sinking slightly as she sat upon it.

She would see him tomorrow, the first time since they had helped little Thomas Collins into the world.

The thought of it made her grip subconsciously tighten

She had been avoiding him like the plague from the moment she left his car, to ashamed to feel whatever it was she was feeling.

She assumed it was love, but how could she tell for sure? After taking her vows she never thought she would ever experience such emotion the only love she would ever feel being for God.

Lifting her head she looked at the crucifix upon the wall.

Did he feel betrayed by her feelings?

Was it wrong for her to heart to skip a beat at the mention of his name?

To feel butterflies in her stomach whenever he smiled at her ?

To want to go dancing?

Was it wrong that she missed him?

In a way having his lighter brought her comfort.

Bringing it to her chest she closed her eyes and silently she prayed.


	4. Chapter 4

It had become her custom to rise early, the luxury of sleeping late no longer an availability since taking her vows.

The calling of day greeted her with each sunrise and she shivered her as her bare feet met the coldness of the floor.

A yawn escaping her lips she rubbed her eyes tiredly, reaching over for her glasses and allowing the world to come into focus.

The night had been a restless one and for the first time in her years as a nun Sister Bernadette wished she could return to the solace of sleep.

Shaking her head she attempted to wake herself, yawning once more as she lowered to her knees and as the dimness of the room filled with light her lips began to move it silent prayer.

Returning to her feet she stretched over to tame the tussled sheets of her bed, askew from her troubled twilight turnings.

The sheets floated back down and as her hands ran over the surfaces the smoothness of its lying was interrupted when her fingers brushed over something hidden beneath.

"Hmm "

Furrowing her brow she lifted the covers a realisation painting her features as the corner of a silver square peeked from the centre of the mattress

The lighter. She must have fallen asleep with it.

Sliding her hand under the cover she carefully retrieved it, holding it in her palm gently.

How could she have forgotten about it? , after all she had merely gotten two hours sleep through thoughts of its owner.

With a sigh she sat on the edge of the bed, it would only be a couple of hours now that she would see him again and she wasn't sure whether to feel nervous or excited.

Turning it over she allowed herself to imagine the possible outcomes.

Would he be pleased to see her?

Would he be angry?

She didn't think she could bare him being angry at her, she was already furious with herself.

Why had she ran away like that?

She hadn't been scared of him or anything that he might have done if she stayed, of course not . He was a gentlemen in every sense of the word, the slight touches they had shared tentative and tamed.

Doctor Turner's respect for her could not be denied but nor could the emotion she found in the depths of his eyes whenever he looked at her or what she was sure he saw reflected back in her own.

Sitting up a little straighter she looked up, perhaps that was the issue.

It wasn't him she was scared of but the way he made her feel when she was with him, the way she felt when she wasn't.

Her eyes slowly began to mist over as a mixture of emotions swept over her, realisation finally dawning that she, Sister Bernadette had fallen in love.

Of course thoughts of love had crossed her mind in the past yet it was only now she was able to fully admit it, even to herself she had been in denial.

They were colleagues, friends even but certainly nothing more. They could never be anything more and that's what confused her.

Was it possible for a person to feel so deliriously happy yet so miserable at the same time?

For her heavy heart to be filled with joy but break simultaneously?

For she knew even if the three words hadn't left his lips that the object of her affection returned her feelings it was obvious to her now , clear as day and the tears that left her eyes were now not entirely sorrowful .

Brushing the tears away she hoped that somehow God would help them along their path, guide them through the twists and turns of life's winding roads for the nun there would be struggles and prayed that he would give her the strength to make it through the heartache she knew would inevitably come.

Her voice sounding almost foreign to her ears she whispered the script inscribed upon her heart .

" I love him "

Was it to God or to herself she was confining? She wasn't sure . there was one thing she was certain of however that the love in her heart would have to be kept inside , for both their sakes.

Hello everyone , thank you for your lovely reviews they mean an awful lot x


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